This chick named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book about the stages of death. Being that she was living at the time, I wonder if she had the neccesary qualifications to really write a book about what it was like to meet the notion of mortality. Now that she is dead, there is no way to know what she thought about her own death process and whether or not she felt she was correct in her assumptions.
So, now that I am facing the possibility of my own mortal coil, I want to see what she means by the stages of death.
Anger- Am I angry? I am. But I don't think I am as mad at my own human weakness and the possibility of my own emminent death as I am of other people around me. Everyone says "I'm praying for you" or giving me those little yellow bracelets or giving me cliches about how God doesn't put a burden on you that you can't handle. I wished God wouldn't trust me so much. This is one burden that is just too heavy. I know their reaction is just an inablity to cope or relate to what is happening to me. I feel sorry for them on some levels because I know they are afraid. I am living proof of everyone's eventual demise, their own human mortality. And they are afraid of what they see. I know they are saying "Damn, that poor bitch is wasting away, I hope I don't go like that," If you can't say anything besides those old worn out chestnuts, just don't say anything at all. Just come and sit with me and talk about all the gossip or bring me a magazine or a good book to read. You don't have to comfort me because you can't.
Denial- There's no denying that I might be dying. I don't deny it. I think the people around me are denying it. They don't want to believe that I and they will eventually die. I think it is more about them than me. It's like, if they don't believe that I might die, then they won't die. Which is such a load of shit.
Bargaining- "Let's Make a Deal" remember that show? I am not playing that game. I have nothing to bargain with. I'm God's to dispose of as He sees fit. But the doctors like to make deals "Hey, Aslinn, the hospital would really like to put you through this drug trial. If you do, they'll knock off that fee that the state says it won't pay," What is it doc? "Well, we'll have to take you off the morphine and put you on this new non-narcotic nsaid, sort of a super aspirin, thing is, once you start it, you have to stay on it, even if your pain increases and it may cause ulcers and bleeding." No thanks doc, I'll fight the system and keep my morphine.
Acceptance- I have no fucking choice but to accept that I may die from this. To not accept is to play a vicious game with myself of being high and low. That doesn't mean that I like it, I don't, but what can I do? I have already done more than I thought I would. I always swore that I would never do chemo, never do radiation, but here I am, I'm doing it. And I have to accept what it is doing to me, I have no choice.
So, is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross right? Maybe she is, but not for the person who may be dying, but for those around them. See, I have no choice but to be where I am. Those around me? They are the ones going through the stages.
4 comments:
I'd have to be the first to admit that I don't know what you're going through, since I haven't had cancer or watched a close family member undergo chelation (though I did watch my best friend's father waste away and ultimately die while being treated for his liver cancer almost three decades ago, so I have an idea of how nasty it can be).
What struck me today was your comment on the "God doesn't put a burden on you that you can't handle" cliche. Yeah, I hate that one, too. Two of my kids have autism; I had to watch my dreams for my children's future die twice. I have to take care of them every day, dress them (one is ten years old, the other five) bathe them, groom them because they can't do it themselves and may never learn how. I'll probably be doing this for them for the rest of my life since I'd hate to institutionalize them and my husband is dead-set against it (he used to work in such a place years ago). No college graduations for them, no weddings, most likely no grandchildren, no empty nest for us, no real retirement. But forget about the future, every day is a struggle for us right now. I can't even begin to tell you how insane life can be around here day-by-day, and watching the effect this is having on my husband is almost as bad as seeing what it's done to my kids.
I'm not saying I'm worse off than you, just that I can relate to at least some of what you're saying. No burdens greater than we can handle? I don't buy that one anymore. My mother in law told me last year that she isn't sure she believes that any longer, after seeing what my family is going through. I'm also getting tired of hearing people say, "I don't know how you do it!" Even when they say it with admiration in their voice, I get the sickening feeling that what they're really thinking is, "Thank heaven I don't have to deal with that!" Yeah, better me than you, right? Thanks alot.
Denial, Anger, Bargaining, etc.? I've been there too in a certain way. Though it's hardly as neat and orderly as the word "stages" makes it seem. On any given day I can experience anger, bargaining, depression and, yes, sometimes a little acceptance, at least for a time. Maybe Kubler-Ross should have called them "Things You Go Through When Life Is A Bitch" rather than "stages."
Anyway, you're still in my prayers, even if I don't have any answers.
Thanks Christina, I was afraid I was being a little morose. I find that my condition, as terrible as it is, has liberated me. For the first time, I feel like I can speak m mind and say what I mean and feel what I feel with little or no apology.
You don't have to have answers baby, I sure as hell don't. But I appreciate your comments and your parayers. I don't know what will happen to me, but I know that life is what it is.
Take care of yourself and don't be afraid to be selfish every now and then. You deserve it, you have your own burdens and I appreciate it that you took the time to write to me.
God bless, Brighest Blessings Be, Aslinn
I just want you to know that I have been reading your blog(s) and have enjoyed and learned much from them.I to walk the double path, still trying to find my balance. What I am learning through my own struggles in life is that God is more interested in our character than our comfort; God is more interested in making our life holy than He is in making our life happy.
We can be reasonably happy here on earth, but that's not the goal of life. The goal is to grow in character, in Christ likeness.
I know that while we waste away or in pain, that hearing this is not what we want to hear, I do believe that it is the truth none the less, although I personally would like it better if God would make this life more bareable and fun, but then that is just me.
Happy moments, PRAISE GOD.
Difficult moments, SEEK GOD.
Quiet moments, WORSHIP GOD.
Painful moments, TRUST GOD.
Every moment, THANK GOD
my heart goes out to you, you inspire me, and I wish I could make peace with my path as you have, thank you for the ministry you have, it is truly a blessing to me
I do thank God, I think I try to find some resolve in what is happening to me. I am never angry with God, though I must sound like it. I am more angry with others.
Being other gifted, a Christian and a witch, is a difficult path. I don't regret it at all. But being two natured does not mean that life will be easy for you, in fact, it complicates your life to an extent that you wish you could be a hermit and live far away from the judging eyes of people.
I don't know what is going to happen to me. Man proposes, God disposes. But whatever it is, I am ready for the next adventure. Because there is no eternal death, just death of the body. My body is corrupted but my soul intact. My psyche may be a little troubled, but I will go on.
People are afraid of the unknown and that is why it comforts them to give the ones who stand in the Valley of the Greatest Mystery what they think are comforts and I try to be generous and thoughtful, but my disease has liberated me in many ways and I speak now more freely than I have ever done. Perhaps to my detriment. I sometimes forget our creed: Do as thou will, harm none. But perhaps even my cruelty is a form of kindness if they reflect on just what they say and how it might be better to be silent, and just be my friend and tell me ordinary things.
You Bless yourself Owlthena Rhaevyn, by the good tidings you send and though you don't know it, you become the teacher and I the pupil. Brightest Blessings Be sister,
Aslinn Dhan Dragonhawk
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