Sunday, October 12, 2008

Dawn changes everything

The house is quiet and the cat is sleeping in the floor near my bed, his piggy little snores come to me and I am awake. I have never really been a morning person but here I am, at 5:30 in the morning typing away.

I light the first cigarette of the day and watch the smoke rise from the tip. A dirty habit, I know, but I feel relaxed, more so than when I have that evil drip in me and I tense up anticipating the effects of my alchemy experiment. I know that I will begin to have more side effects. I have only been nauseous so far.

Drugs are bizarre aren't they? I mean really. They heal, they kill, they reduce pain and they cause it. I never was one for drugs except a little pot in my youth. Now there are drugs that they give people that can cause them to have a psychotic break, even antismoking drugs can give you suicidal thoughts. Hell, give me the smokes any day.

And we routinely drug people, especially young people all of the time. They drift around through their day, only to be hyper and obnoxious at the end of it, unable to cope with the short circuits in their head. There is no talking cure anymore and insurance companies are more likely to pay doctors more to prescribe meds than to actually talk through their troubles and learn to stabilize themselves.

I understand there are some mental illnesses that are organic and have to be treated with meds, but we over look the blessings of simply talking to someone, anyone. I think this is why online communities are so plural. We long to connect with people who think and feel as we feel, to feel not so alone in the world. We make the world a lonely place by ignoring others in real life and connect only in the virtual lives we create for ourselves online.

We cannot embrace what we do not understand if we don't make eye contact and feel the energies we pass forom one person to another when we speak to one another directly. Our eyes are closing to one another and we could be lying beside a lover and feel disconnected them, swimming in an alien sea of numbness caused by inability to connect on a one on one level. I think that is why we go from bed to bed, partner to partner, trying to make that connection but we don't know how. And whatever feelings, fears and doubts we have, we medicate until we are like the Pink Floyd song "Comfortably Numb"

So in the silent morning of my house, I feel that sense of dawn breaking, changing everything from dark to light but I know that mankind lives in his own twightlight world where we are mute and blind and deaf to one another. We grope in the darkness of our insularity trying to make connections, to feel something for a change, but how much can we feel if the new day does not bring new dreams for us to experience and people to share it with?