Monday, December 29, 2008

Bill Part Two

I have a fever. Apparently I have an infection somewhere. They think it may be from my catheter in my femoral artery. I am on broad spectrum antibiotics. You know what I wish more than anything?

Charlaine Harris describes Bill's body as cool, in fact Sookie says his body rarely gets above tepid. I would love it if Bill were to appear at my bedside and undress and get in bed with me and hold me against his Vampire cool body. How wonderful it would feel. And he would like my radiant heat. He loves to lie in a warm bath. I would be so warm to him that he would enjoy the fever and he wouldn't have to mess around with getting wet.

I told mom about my stray desire and she said that lying in bed with Bill must be like lying with a big lizard *smirk* beside you. Who cares what she thinks. I know it would be wonderful. Of course he could turn me, but I wouldn't let him drink my blood. Tainted and poisonous as it is, I probably would taste terrible. He might offer to let me drink his blood, but I wouldn't deplete him to be healed. I'm too far gone. Maybe, later.

Ah Bill, come lie down beside me and cool me.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Immortal Soul

Well, it's Christmas Day and I have lived to see it. After Christmas, I have fourteen weeks of radiation to get through, so I still have my hands full.

I have been contemplating the existance of the soul. Of course I would. I have of course been watching True Blood On Demand and now on tape. I keep thinking about the soul as it applies to others and I think it is because if I can prove the existance of the soul in other beings, even if they are mythological, then I can confirm that I have a soul, even in this wasted body.

Anyhow, let's chat.

I remember once that I heard a preacher say that humans were the only living things with a soul. He said it was because we are the only creatures who were aware of God and other living creatures and we had a capacity for love. I go with that to a point.

I read that one Saint or another wrote that humans have a soul because we can dream of God and through our dreams be more open to His consciousness. But I have seen animals dream. My cat, the irrepressable Ishee, as wicked as he is, dreams and seems to appreciate it if I wake him from a dream in which he snuffles and cries and runs. So, does that mean my cat has a soul?

If Ishee has a soul, though he is innocent of the Great Sin of Adam, does he get to go to heaven? I hope so. He might try to bite and angel or two, but he is nice in a befuddled sort of autistic way.

If dreaming is evidence of the soul, does Bill have a soul? You remember Bill? Bill Compton, my fictional Vampire with a heart of gold? Bill dreams, does that mean he has a soul? I would like to think if there were Vampires in the world that they too might have souls, though I doubt Malcolm, Liam and Diane still dream. I doubt Eric dreams. In the book, Bill doesn't fact he has no sentient consciousness when he goes to rest...Bill simply dies. But on the show, Bill sleeps, more in the way of humans, he even has a couple of books with him under the floorboards of his house so he can read himself back to sleep if he is wakeful. And Bill dreams. He dreamed of Sookie when her gran died. So does Bill have a soul?

If Vampires can have the ability to dream, then can they pray? Bill certainly seemed to pray when he discovered that Sookie was fine, sleeping with Prince Valium. If he prays, does God listen to his Vampire's prayers? Is being a Vampire a curse? Bill says "We Vampires are not minions of the devil, we can stand before a cross or a Bible or in a Church," Bill, of course does not live like other Vampires, he doesn't nest, he doesn't make until he was forced to, and he seems to try to be both Vampire and human. But can he? Does he have to have a soul to do that? He says "I am not human," But if humanity is defined by the soul and dreaming evidence of the soul, isn't he, on some level, human? And therefore possess a soul? If not human, then some Other? Because I feel very Other right now. All of my hair is gone. I am so white I seem to be without pigment. My eyes are hollows and large and glassy. My lips are obscenely pink. I weigh in at 89 pounds where once I was...well...considerably larger (size 18). I went to Walmart, the first place I had been since I got sick. I had on a hooded cape one of my circle sisters made for me with celtic knots embroidered on it. I was in a wheel chair. It was very early in the morning, so I could enjoy the store without a lot of people staring at me, but the few people who were there saw me and I could hear them whispering "She looks like an alien," "She looks like a Vampire," One even said "Fuckin' Halloween is over, Vampira" And it didn't help when I fell out at home and had to have a blood transfusion. Well, at least it's Vampire Bill's favorite type O-.

I had planned on going to church, but I decided not to after that. While my friends at church would never have said those things, I know they would be looking at me, pitying me, maybe loathing me, hoping I don't drink from the same cup they will have drink from in case I am contagious, as if you can catch cancer from mouth to mouth. So, I asked my pastor to bring me communion.

I am Other, at least temporarily. Do I have a soul?

Monday, December 08, 2008

The Grief of Angels

When true love dies
Angels bow their heads
Crying out into the storm
Their tears fall and cover
My face

I walked away from you
And you turned away too
And my tears mingled
With the cold December rain

The grief of angels
Mourning the loss of love
Hell on earth
Brought from heaven above