Thoughts

So, what shall we talk about? Chemo? Radiation? Southern Vampires? The night is closing in. Tomorrow I go for my first chemo. Such fun. Some of my friends complain that I have stopped writing about magik. But I haven't. I'm about to become a gigantic alchemy experiment. Arsenic, quicksilver, lead. Maybe I will be turned into gold. Makes me wish there were true Vampires who would bite me and make me immortal. I'm a night person anyway. Living the life of a Vampire would be an easy transition for me. Just wait until I lose another thirty pounds. I don't want go through eternity a fat girl.

I sound bitter. Maybe I am. Slept for a couple of hours and dreamed that this was all a terrible joke. What is it? The joke stops being funny when the joke starts being you.

I painted my fingernails black. I never thought I would want to that. I was never into the goth scene, not even as fashion. But there was something almost perversely satisfying about spreading three coats of black polish over my nails.

Mom is harping at me for smoking. She says I smoke too much. I think I should smoke two at a time. What do you think?

I'm still looking forward to Samhain. Giving out candy, watching horror movies. Gaelyn called and asked me if he could come and spend Samhain with me. I haven't said yet. Maybe I will.

Maybe I won't.

My priest came by to speak to me. He's a wonderful man, full blooded Italian, Virgo, 73 years old. He worries about my faith during this time. I have the faith of angels. He needn't worry.

I listened to U2 today and tried to talk to mom about what they really mean to me. I told her that no matter how many times I hear Bono growl and moan, Edge hit that E cord, Larry pound the bass drum like a heart beat, Adam give the music some sex, I still thrill to them. I sat there in the gazebo and felt absolutely stoned. Like that Nine Inch Nails song "Perfect Drug", U2 takes me higher than any dope I ever did. I will make sure I take my mp3 player to the doctors with me so I can let them hypnotize me while I go through this. Bono's voice is like the hand of a lover on my mind and soul. He makes love to me, and me alone when I listen to him sing. But Ali mustn't worry, it's only music love, not anything franker. I couldn't make mom understand it. When I say that I love U2, I mean I love U2.

Went to a friend's house today to help him with his computer. He's 62, a friend of the family. He'd like to be sexy but I think he's reaching. He wants to be intellectual, but he doesn't have the nerve. He's afraid of what he might discover about himself if he would let go. "Afraid of what you'd find if you took a look inside" See I knew it, U2 is the I Ching.

We all hide, don't we? I know who I am. Aslinn, the Christian Witch, Crone, unemployed teacher with cancer. Two of my most favorite students do not even write me. Well, they are young, they don't know how to deal with the situation my situation is in. I miss them.

I'll quit