This chick named Elizabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book about the stages of death. Being that she was living at the time, I wonder if she had the neccesary qualifications to really write a book about what it was like to meet the notion of mortality. Now that she is dead, there is no way to know what she thought about her own death process and whether or not she felt she was correct in her assumptions.
So, now that I am facing the possibility of my own mortal coil, I want to see what she means by the stages of death.
Anger- Am I angry? I am. But I don't think I am as mad at my own human weakness and the possibility of my own emminent death as I am of other people around me. Everyone says "I'm praying for you" or giving me those little yellow bracelets or giving me cliches about how God doesn't put a burden on you that you can't handle. I wished God wouldn't trust me so much. This is one burden that is just too heavy. I know their reaction is just an inablity to cope or relate to what is happening to me. I feel sorry for them on some levels because I know they are afraid. I am living proof of everyone's eventual demise, their own human mortality. And they are afraid of what they see. I know they are saying "Damn, that poor bitch is wasting away, I hope I don't go like that," If you can't say anything besides those old worn out chestnuts, just don't say anything at all. Just come and sit with me and talk about all the gossip or bring me a magazine or a good book to read. You don't have to comfort me because you can't.
Denial- There's no denying that I might be dying. I don't deny it. I think the people around me are denying it. They don't want to believe that I and they will eventually die. I think it is more about them than me. It's like, if they don't believe that I might die, then they won't die. Which is such a load of shit.
Bargaining- "Let's Make a Deal" remember that show? I am not playing that game. I have nothing to bargain with. I'm God's to dispose of as He sees fit. But the doctors like to make deals "Hey, Aslinn, the hospital would really like to put you through this drug trial. If you do, they'll knock off that fee that the state says it won't pay," What is it doc? "Well, we'll have to take you off the morphine and put you on this new non-narcotic nsaid, sort of a super aspirin, thing is, once you start it, you have to stay on it, even if your pain increases and it may cause ulcers and bleeding." No thanks doc, I'll fight the system and keep my morphine.
Acceptance- I have no fucking choice but to accept that I may die from this. To not accept is to play a vicious game with myself of being high and low. That doesn't mean that I like it, I don't, but what can I do? I have already done more than I thought I would. I always swore that I would never do chemo, never do radiation, but here I am, I'm doing it. And I have to accept what it is doing to me, I have no choice.
So, is Elizabeth Kubler-Ross right? Maybe she is, but not for the person who may be dying, but for those around them. See, I have no choice but to be where I am. Those around me? They are the ones going through the stages.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
The Mirror
I haven't looked at myself in the mirror in a long time. Long before I had cancer I stopped looking in the mirror because I was a fat girl and I knew no one would want to look at me, not even myself. Now that I have cancer, I don't like looking at my reflection because I know no one will want to look at me, not even myself.
But I looked today as I dressed to go to the hospital on this desperately cold day to be nuked. I had stripped down of everything. I stood there in front of the long mirror. I look like Jack Skellington from that wonderfully gothic The Nightmare before Christmas. My breast are empty and shrunken, my ribs show, my hip bones are too sharp and I am white (Momma, she's so white. We're white baby, she's dead) except for the bruises that are evident on my arms and legs from the ports they keep trying to maintain for the drugs. The doctor says that if I don't start eating more I will have to have a feeding tube. Damn it, I said no and I fucking mean it.
I dress in clothes that a few weeks ago fit me. Now I have to cinch them around me. I put on my black tee shirt that reads "My giveadammer is broken" I could almost wear it as a dress whereas before it was almost too tight. I snug my silk cap over my head and then pull on my boggan with the skull and cross bones on my head. The silk cap protects my head from being irritated by the fibers of my boggan. I pull on my pleather black jacket and slide my feet into my tennis shoes. I have to wear two pairs of socks now so my feet don't just slide out.
Dressed I still look like a boneyard. I put make up on the other day. I thought I might look more human and all it did was make me look like a tarted up skeleton. Fuck it. I kinda like scaring little kids who stare at me like I'm a freak. Watch it kid, but for the grace of God goes you. Mothers stare at me too, as if I could help it. Fuck you and your little kid lady. What do they want me to do? Wear a canvas bag over my head with eye holes in them and mutter to myself "I am not an animal, I am a human being." If someone hands me another one of them live strong bracelets I'm gonna strangle them.
Yes, goddamn it I want to live. I don't need some over paid, over hyped steriodal bicyclist who dumped his wife the moment she came down with breast cancer to tell me anything about living with this disease and the things it is doing to me. Or the things it did to my husband as he died in my arms, screaming for me to stop the pain. I let him down, I couldn't put him out of his agony and I think he hated me in the end for it. And I wish folks from my church would stop bringing me St. Jude medals, pictures, statues. They all talk about how holy my suffering is. I don't feel holy.
What I am is mad as hell. I hate what is happening to me. I cry when I know it is time for my dad to carry me out to the truck because I know he finds me repulsive. I touched his hand the other day and he jerked away because I look like a skeleton and it creeps him out. My sister is a nurse and hates to come to bathe me in the evening in the bath chair while my mother changes my sheets and puts on fresh ones and lays down the chucks pad in case I wet the bed in the night. Even my sister is disgusted with what I have become and she washes the old, the infirm, the eternally lost in that long goodbye. Maybe it is because she pities me and she knows I can feel the pity rolling off her and it stinks like chemotherapy and radiation sickness.
So, I retreat into the world of the south. I go to Bon Temps and I am courted by a beautiful Vampire who sees me, not as I am but as Other. Sometimes he has dark hair, someimes he is blonde, somes he is not a man but a woman, but they know me because I am like them. Undead, Other, hated and feared.
I won't see myself in the mirror anymore.
But I looked today as I dressed to go to the hospital on this desperately cold day to be nuked. I had stripped down of everything. I stood there in front of the long mirror. I look like Jack Skellington from that wonderfully gothic The Nightmare before Christmas. My breast are empty and shrunken, my ribs show, my hip bones are too sharp and I am white (Momma, she's so white. We're white baby, she's dead) except for the bruises that are evident on my arms and legs from the ports they keep trying to maintain for the drugs. The doctor says that if I don't start eating more I will have to have a feeding tube. Damn it, I said no and I fucking mean it.
I dress in clothes that a few weeks ago fit me. Now I have to cinch them around me. I put on my black tee shirt that reads "My giveadammer is broken" I could almost wear it as a dress whereas before it was almost too tight. I snug my silk cap over my head and then pull on my boggan with the skull and cross bones on my head. The silk cap protects my head from being irritated by the fibers of my boggan. I pull on my pleather black jacket and slide my feet into my tennis shoes. I have to wear two pairs of socks now so my feet don't just slide out.
Dressed I still look like a boneyard. I put make up on the other day. I thought I might look more human and all it did was make me look like a tarted up skeleton. Fuck it. I kinda like scaring little kids who stare at me like I'm a freak. Watch it kid, but for the grace of God goes you. Mothers stare at me too, as if I could help it. Fuck you and your little kid lady. What do they want me to do? Wear a canvas bag over my head with eye holes in them and mutter to myself "I am not an animal, I am a human being." If someone hands me another one of them live strong bracelets I'm gonna strangle them.
Yes, goddamn it I want to live. I don't need some over paid, over hyped steriodal bicyclist who dumped his wife the moment she came down with breast cancer to tell me anything about living with this disease and the things it is doing to me. Or the things it did to my husband as he died in my arms, screaming for me to stop the pain. I let him down, I couldn't put him out of his agony and I think he hated me in the end for it. And I wish folks from my church would stop bringing me St. Jude medals, pictures, statues. They all talk about how holy my suffering is. I don't feel holy.
What I am is mad as hell. I hate what is happening to me. I cry when I know it is time for my dad to carry me out to the truck because I know he finds me repulsive. I touched his hand the other day and he jerked away because I look like a skeleton and it creeps him out. My sister is a nurse and hates to come to bathe me in the evening in the bath chair while my mother changes my sheets and puts on fresh ones and lays down the chucks pad in case I wet the bed in the night. Even my sister is disgusted with what I have become and she washes the old, the infirm, the eternally lost in that long goodbye. Maybe it is because she pities me and she knows I can feel the pity rolling off her and it stinks like chemotherapy and radiation sickness.
So, I retreat into the world of the south. I go to Bon Temps and I am courted by a beautiful Vampire who sees me, not as I am but as Other. Sometimes he has dark hair, someimes he is blonde, somes he is not a man but a woman, but they know me because I am like them. Undead, Other, hated and feared.
I won't see myself in the mirror anymore.
Tuesday, January 06, 2009
Nagasaki/Hiroshima
I had my first visit to Nuclear Medicine today for my first radiation treatment. It took all of ten minutes and left me with a sunburn from the waist down (not much of one, but still)
As I lay under this massive bit of hardware that glowed with some sort of infrared light, I meditated so I would not move around much. I have to be careful about meditation or I put myself too deep and my BP drops. But as I meditated I kept seeing this miniature mushroom cloud where my uterus used to be. What was it in that U2 song Bullet the Blue Sky "Plant a Demon Seed/ Raise a Flower on Fire" Well I think that is what is happening to me. I think the bowing lilly that was my uterus (now a wierd globbulous mass I am hoping will shrink enough to be removed) is now the flower on fire.
I am still running a fever, though some of it may be from the radiation. They say my infection is clearing up but I can't tell, I never really feel good anymore, just some days I am less bad.
Meds are kicking in.
Goodnight
As I lay under this massive bit of hardware that glowed with some sort of infrared light, I meditated so I would not move around much. I have to be careful about meditation or I put myself too deep and my BP drops. But as I meditated I kept seeing this miniature mushroom cloud where my uterus used to be. What was it in that U2 song Bullet the Blue Sky "Plant a Demon Seed/ Raise a Flower on Fire" Well I think that is what is happening to me. I think the bowing lilly that was my uterus (now a wierd globbulous mass I am hoping will shrink enough to be removed) is now the flower on fire.
I am still running a fever, though some of it may be from the radiation. They say my infection is clearing up but I can't tell, I never really feel good anymore, just some days I am less bad.
Meds are kicking in.
Goodnight
Saturday, January 03, 2009
Would I be Vampire?
I asked this quesion to the forum and I have had an astounding resonating no. Many of the people who answered said they would do it if they could have some conditions like being able to move around in the day and not having to drink human blood. This is sort of like saying "I'd be a racial minority (black, brown, red, yellow, whatever) if I could wash it off at the end of the day.
So, before I answer my own question on the forum, I will answer it here.
Yes, I would be Vampire. I suppose you might say "of course you would, Vampires don't die of cancer" And I suppose that you would right to an extent. I would want to be Vampire and all that entails because of the fredom it entails. I would have the freedom to be a part of the mysteries of the night, to know it's loves, lusts and hungers. To live without a lot of fears (of course Vampires do fear being found in the day or being staked). To have superstrength and senses. To seek out evil and kill it and to protect the innocent and to hunt. I believe I have a bit of blood lust in me and a disposition to living solitary. To walk through history and see it unfold all around me. To be disengaged with others unless it is my will to engage them.
I would be Vampire
So, before I answer my own question on the forum, I will answer it here.
Yes, I would be Vampire. I suppose you might say "of course you would, Vampires don't die of cancer" And I suppose that you would right to an extent. I would want to be Vampire and all that entails because of the fredom it entails. I would have the freedom to be a part of the mysteries of the night, to know it's loves, lusts and hungers. To live without a lot of fears (of course Vampires do fear being found in the day or being staked). To have superstrength and senses. To seek out evil and kill it and to protect the innocent and to hunt. I believe I have a bit of blood lust in me and a disposition to living solitary. To walk through history and see it unfold all around me. To be disengaged with others unless it is my will to engage them.
I would be Vampire
Friday, January 02, 2009
Goodnight Jaime
One of my friends and fellow member of Club Chemo died of leukemia today. He was 16.
A fellow True Blood fan, we watched each episode at home, then I brought the tape in and we and the rest of the baldies watched it as we were having chemo. After a few episodes, he told me that I had big brown eyes like Sookie and he had lovely blue eyes that I said were like Bill's. So, as a matter of course we called each other Bill and Sookie (we look nothing like Anna and Stephen, eye coloring is the only thing we share with those two).
We would meet in Club Chemo "Good morning Sookie," "Good morning Bill," and we would settle in for our daily catheter flush, B12 shots, blood work and then be hooked up to our alchemy. Then, when the techs would leave the room (they always leave the room, they don't like the living dead) I would use the remote and run tape.
Yesterday, Jaime's mom called me and told me to come to the hospital, Jaime was dying. I came in, wrapped up in my cloak with my boggan on with the Jolly Roger on it and sat down in the chair. We were so happy that at the end of season one we were both alive. We spoke with excitement of season two, went on line, argued over the plots of the books, pouted over the romance of Bill and Sookie. Now Jaime was dying. He looked up at me with his big round blue eyes, too big for his pointed face, a face whiter than Bill's ever was, his bony hand like a huge white and pink spider slid from under the sheet and took my own thin white hand. His heat was enormous.
"Hey Sookie," "Hey Bill," He told me that he guessed I would have to find another True Blood BF cuz he was "greeting the sun". I told him there would never be another "Bill" in my life. I told him "I am a one Bill woman" He laughed a little and drowsed off in a morphine haze. He died there.
Goodnight Jaime.
A fellow True Blood fan, we watched each episode at home, then I brought the tape in and we and the rest of the baldies watched it as we were having chemo. After a few episodes, he told me that I had big brown eyes like Sookie and he had lovely blue eyes that I said were like Bill's. So, as a matter of course we called each other Bill and Sookie (we look nothing like Anna and Stephen, eye coloring is the only thing we share with those two).
We would meet in Club Chemo "Good morning Sookie," "Good morning Bill," and we would settle in for our daily catheter flush, B12 shots, blood work and then be hooked up to our alchemy. Then, when the techs would leave the room (they always leave the room, they don't like the living dead) I would use the remote and run tape.
Yesterday, Jaime's mom called me and told me to come to the hospital, Jaime was dying. I came in, wrapped up in my cloak with my boggan on with the Jolly Roger on it and sat down in the chair. We were so happy that at the end of season one we were both alive. We spoke with excitement of season two, went on line, argued over the plots of the books, pouted over the romance of Bill and Sookie. Now Jaime was dying. He looked up at me with his big round blue eyes, too big for his pointed face, a face whiter than Bill's ever was, his bony hand like a huge white and pink spider slid from under the sheet and took my own thin white hand. His heat was enormous.
"Hey Sookie," "Hey Bill," He told me that he guessed I would have to find another True Blood BF cuz he was "greeting the sun". I told him there would never be another "Bill" in my life. I told him "I am a one Bill woman" He laughed a little and drowsed off in a morphine haze. He died there.
Goodnight Jaime.
Thursday, January 01, 2009
A Purpose for Everything Under Heaven
As I was rewatching the episodes of True Blood last night, I was struck by a conversation that Adele Stackhouse (Sookie's gran') had in episode four. It seemed to answer a few questions that I have asked about the existance of the soul, and whether or not Bill and indeed anyone thought of as Other had a purpose in this world and whether or not there was evidence of the soul.
Sookie is confused about her feelings about Bill, that mix of desire and fear and admittedly a certain amount of disgust for Vampire mores. Gran tells her that God has a purpose for everything, whether it is a special gift (her telepathy), or an over priced cup of coffee or a Vampire, that God will reveal His purpose in his own time.
So as I pondered this, I thought about how Vampires are thought of as Evil. Bill tells the members of the Descendants of the Glorious Dead that he can "Stand before a cross, or a Bible or in a Church, just like any creature of God" and that is where it hit me. How could I have been so ignorant (a real Homer Simpson "Doh" moment, complete with forehead slapping). "We Vampires are not the minions of the Devil" he goes on to say.
If we discuss this on the premise there are real Vampires, then we have to ask the question, if they are a supernatural evil, why doesn't God just destroy them? I mean, we read in the Book of Job that God gave Satan the power to do whatever he liked to Job except kill him. On this premise alone, early Church fathers who wrote about the occult developed the notion that Satan had limits placed on him by God. I don't think God would have allowed Satan the power to create other demons, including Vampires. (Again, working on the premise that Vampires are evil minions of the Devil) So what purpose would a Vampire serve under heaven? What purpose would someone who is Other serve?
Being Other can be seen as both blessing and curse. Imagine having boundless strength and energy, being able to heal the good or kill the evil, imagine having super senses to sight, smell, taste, feel, and hear. Imagine being able to create a blood link to someone you love so you can feel them and know if they are safe or well or in need?
Now imagine it is you and people hate you because of what and who you are? It's the root of the stories I write about werewolves, they are the heroes, the Other, the beast in the field, the hunter under the moon, the Justifier and the Protector. I think this above all is the lure for me to this story. The notion of Other as a servant of God.
But does Bill believe in God? I don't know, but it doesn't matter. If this story were real, and he were real, I think you could best answer it with a line from Stephen King's The Stand: "It don't matter...He believes in you."
So perhaps there is a purpose for a witch, or a werewolf, or a Vampire, or just a woman with cancer. A purpose for everything under heaven. And God will reveal that purpose in His own time.
Sookie is confused about her feelings about Bill, that mix of desire and fear and admittedly a certain amount of disgust for Vampire mores. Gran tells her that God has a purpose for everything, whether it is a special gift (her telepathy), or an over priced cup of coffee or a Vampire, that God will reveal His purpose in his own time.
So as I pondered this, I thought about how Vampires are thought of as Evil. Bill tells the members of the Descendants of the Glorious Dead that he can "Stand before a cross, or a Bible or in a Church, just like any creature of God" and that is where it hit me. How could I have been so ignorant (a real Homer Simpson "Doh" moment, complete with forehead slapping). "We Vampires are not the minions of the Devil" he goes on to say.
If we discuss this on the premise there are real Vampires, then we have to ask the question, if they are a supernatural evil, why doesn't God just destroy them? I mean, we read in the Book of Job that God gave Satan the power to do whatever he liked to Job except kill him. On this premise alone, early Church fathers who wrote about the occult developed the notion that Satan had limits placed on him by God. I don't think God would have allowed Satan the power to create other demons, including Vampires. (Again, working on the premise that Vampires are evil minions of the Devil) So what purpose would a Vampire serve under heaven? What purpose would someone who is Other serve?
Being Other can be seen as both blessing and curse. Imagine having boundless strength and energy, being able to heal the good or kill the evil, imagine having super senses to sight, smell, taste, feel, and hear. Imagine being able to create a blood link to someone you love so you can feel them and know if they are safe or well or in need?
Now imagine it is you and people hate you because of what and who you are? It's the root of the stories I write about werewolves, they are the heroes, the Other, the beast in the field, the hunter under the moon, the Justifier and the Protector. I think this above all is the lure for me to this story. The notion of Other as a servant of God.
But does Bill believe in God? I don't know, but it doesn't matter. If this story were real, and he were real, I think you could best answer it with a line from Stephen King's The Stand: "It don't matter...He believes in you."
So perhaps there is a purpose for a witch, or a werewolf, or a Vampire, or just a woman with cancer. A purpose for everything under heaven. And God will reveal that purpose in His own time.
Monday, December 29, 2008
Bill Part Two
I have a fever. Apparently I have an infection somewhere. They think it may be from my catheter in my femoral artery. I am on broad spectrum antibiotics. You know what I wish more than anything?
Charlaine Harris describes Bill's body as cool, in fact Sookie says his body rarely gets above tepid. I would love it if Bill were to appear at my bedside and undress and get in bed with me and hold me against his Vampire cool body. How wonderful it would feel. And he would like my radiant heat. He loves to lie in a warm bath. I would be so warm to him that he would enjoy the fever and he wouldn't have to mess around with getting wet.
I told mom about my stray desire and she said that lying in bed with Bill must be like lying with a big lizard *smirk* beside you. Who cares what she thinks. I know it would be wonderful. Of course he could turn me, but I wouldn't let him drink my blood. Tainted and poisonous as it is, I probably would taste terrible. He might offer to let me drink his blood, but I wouldn't deplete him to be healed. I'm too far gone. Maybe, later.
Ah Bill, come lie down beside me and cool me.
Charlaine Harris describes Bill's body as cool, in fact Sookie says his body rarely gets above tepid. I would love it if Bill were to appear at my bedside and undress and get in bed with me and hold me against his Vampire cool body. How wonderful it would feel. And he would like my radiant heat. He loves to lie in a warm bath. I would be so warm to him that he would enjoy the fever and he wouldn't have to mess around with getting wet.
I told mom about my stray desire and she said that lying in bed with Bill must be like lying with a big lizard *smirk* beside you. Who cares what she thinks. I know it would be wonderful. Of course he could turn me, but I wouldn't let him drink my blood. Tainted and poisonous as it is, I probably would taste terrible. He might offer to let me drink his blood, but I wouldn't deplete him to be healed. I'm too far gone. Maybe, later.
Ah Bill, come lie down beside me and cool me.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
The Immortal Soul
Well, it's Christmas Day and I have lived to see it. After Christmas, I have fourteen weeks of radiation to get through, so I still have my hands full.
I have been contemplating the existance of the soul. Of course I would. I have of course been watching True Blood On Demand and now on tape. I keep thinking about the soul as it applies to others and I think it is because if I can prove the existance of the soul in other beings, even if they are mythological, then I can confirm that I have a soul, even in this wasted body.
Anyhow, let's chat.
I remember once that I heard a preacher say that humans were the only living things with a soul. He said it was because we are the only creatures who were aware of God and other living creatures and we had a capacity for love. I go with that to a point.
I read that one Saint or another wrote that humans have a soul because we can dream of God and through our dreams be more open to His consciousness. But I have seen animals dream. My cat, the irrepressable Ishee, as wicked as he is, dreams and seems to appreciate it if I wake him from a dream in which he snuffles and cries and runs. So, does that mean my cat has a soul?
If Ishee has a soul, though he is innocent of the Great Sin of Adam, does he get to go to heaven? I hope so. He might try to bite and angel or two, but he is nice in a befuddled sort of autistic way.
If dreaming is evidence of the soul, does Bill have a soul? You remember Bill? Bill Compton, my fictional Vampire with a heart of gold? Bill dreams, does that mean he has a soul? I would like to think if there were Vampires in the world that they too might have souls, though I doubt Malcolm, Liam and Diane still dream. I doubt Eric dreams. In the book, Bill doesn't dream...in fact he has no sentient consciousness when he goes to rest...Bill simply dies. But on the show, Bill sleeps, more in the way of humans, he even has a couple of books with him under the floorboards of his house so he can read himself back to sleep if he is wakeful. And Bill dreams. He dreamed of Sookie when her gran died. So does Bill have a soul?
If Vampires can have the ability to dream, then can they pray? Bill certainly seemed to pray when he discovered that Sookie was fine, sleeping with Prince Valium. If he prays, does God listen to his Vampire's prayers? Is being a Vampire a curse? Bill says "We Vampires are not minions of the devil, we can stand before a cross or a Bible or in a Church," Bill, of course does not live like other Vampires, he doesn't nest, he doesn't make until he was forced to, and he seems to try to be both Vampire and human. But can he? Does he have to have a soul to do that? He says "I am not human," But if humanity is defined by the soul and dreaming evidence of the soul, isn't he, on some level, human? And therefore possess a soul? If not human, then some Other? Because I feel very Other right now. All of my hair is gone. I am so white I seem to be without pigment. My eyes are hollows and large and glassy. My lips are obscenely pink. I weigh in at 89 pounds where once I was...well...considerably larger (size 18). I went to Walmart, the first place I had been since I got sick. I had on a hooded cape one of my circle sisters made for me with celtic knots embroidered on it. I was in a wheel chair. It was very early in the morning, so I could enjoy the store without a lot of people staring at me, but the few people who were there saw me and I could hear them whispering "She looks like an alien," "She looks like a Vampire," One even said "Fuckin' Halloween is over, Vampira" And it didn't help when I fell out at home and had to have a blood transfusion. Well, at least it's Vampire Bill's favorite type O-.
I had planned on going to church, but I decided not to after that. While my friends at church would never have said those things, I know they would be looking at me, pitying me, maybe loathing me, hoping I don't drink from the same cup they will have drink from in case I am contagious, as if you can catch cancer from mouth to mouth. So, I asked my pastor to bring me communion.
I am Other, at least temporarily. Do I have a soul?
I have been contemplating the existance of the soul. Of course I would. I have of course been watching True Blood On Demand and now on tape. I keep thinking about the soul as it applies to others and I think it is because if I can prove the existance of the soul in other beings, even if they are mythological, then I can confirm that I have a soul, even in this wasted body.
Anyhow, let's chat.
I remember once that I heard a preacher say that humans were the only living things with a soul. He said it was because we are the only creatures who were aware of God and other living creatures and we had a capacity for love. I go with that to a point.
I read that one Saint or another wrote that humans have a soul because we can dream of God and through our dreams be more open to His consciousness. But I have seen animals dream. My cat, the irrepressable Ishee, as wicked as he is, dreams and seems to appreciate it if I wake him from a dream in which he snuffles and cries and runs. So, does that mean my cat has a soul?
If Ishee has a soul, though he is innocent of the Great Sin of Adam, does he get to go to heaven? I hope so. He might try to bite and angel or two, but he is nice in a befuddled sort of autistic way.
If dreaming is evidence of the soul, does Bill have a soul? You remember Bill? Bill Compton, my fictional Vampire with a heart of gold? Bill dreams, does that mean he has a soul? I would like to think if there were Vampires in the world that they too might have souls, though I doubt Malcolm, Liam and Diane still dream. I doubt Eric dreams. In the book, Bill doesn't dream...in fact he has no sentient consciousness when he goes to rest...Bill simply dies. But on the show, Bill sleeps, more in the way of humans, he even has a couple of books with him under the floorboards of his house so he can read himself back to sleep if he is wakeful. And Bill dreams. He dreamed of Sookie when her gran died. So does Bill have a soul?
If Vampires can have the ability to dream, then can they pray? Bill certainly seemed to pray when he discovered that Sookie was fine, sleeping with Prince Valium. If he prays, does God listen to his Vampire's prayers? Is being a Vampire a curse? Bill says "We Vampires are not minions of the devil, we can stand before a cross or a Bible or in a Church," Bill, of course does not live like other Vampires, he doesn't nest, he doesn't make until he was forced to, and he seems to try to be both Vampire and human. But can he? Does he have to have a soul to do that? He says "I am not human," But if humanity is defined by the soul and dreaming evidence of the soul, isn't he, on some level, human? And therefore possess a soul? If not human, then some Other? Because I feel very Other right now. All of my hair is gone. I am so white I seem to be without pigment. My eyes are hollows and large and glassy. My lips are obscenely pink. I weigh in at 89 pounds where once I was...well...considerably larger (size 18). I went to Walmart, the first place I had been since I got sick. I had on a hooded cape one of my circle sisters made for me with celtic knots embroidered on it. I was in a wheel chair. It was very early in the morning, so I could enjoy the store without a lot of people staring at me, but the few people who were there saw me and I could hear them whispering "She looks like an alien," "She looks like a Vampire," One even said "Fuckin' Halloween is over, Vampira" And it didn't help when I fell out at home and had to have a blood transfusion. Well, at least it's Vampire Bill's favorite type O-.
I had planned on going to church, but I decided not to after that. While my friends at church would never have said those things, I know they would be looking at me, pitying me, maybe loathing me, hoping I don't drink from the same cup they will have drink from in case I am contagious, as if you can catch cancer from mouth to mouth. So, I asked my pastor to bring me communion.
I am Other, at least temporarily. Do I have a soul?
Monday, December 08, 2008
The Grief of Angels
When true love dies
Angels bow their heads
Crying out into the storm
Their tears fall and cover
My face
I walked away from you
And you turned away too
And my tears mingled
With the cold December rain
The grief of angels
Mourning the loss of love
Hell on earth
Brought from heaven above
Angels bow their heads
Crying out into the storm
Their tears fall and cover
My face
I walked away from you
And you turned away too
And my tears mingled
With the cold December rain
The grief of angels
Mourning the loss of love
Hell on earth
Brought from heaven above
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Eric
So everyone wants to talk about Eric the Vampire Sheriff.
Eric is a Viking, about a thousand years old and he is a real Vampire with a capital Vamp. He has no human emotions and is really more than a little disgusted with Bill, who wants to recapture his humanity in the form of a love relationship with Sookie.
Eric mainstreams only because it is lucrative. He can have sex and blood from willing Fangbangers (indiscriminate sex groupies) and charge them at the bar for their drinks. He sees humans as a source of wealth and Vampiric pleasure. This Southern Vampire is no gentleman.
But why are there some women who are interested in Eric? It is because some human women are little less than Vampires themselves, they have no human feelings and sex is extremely casual. While I have no illusions about Bill, I think he puts women in two categories as all men do: bad girls that you screw, and good girls that you date and fall in love with. The difference between him and Eric is that he would be a gentleman with either.
Though, allow me to say this: In the book Dead Until Dark, Sookie tells Bill that her co-worker, Dawn, has been murdered and he tries to place her "The red-head that has been married so many times?" and Sookie says "The brunette who kept bumping your chair with her hip." He says "Yes, she came to the house after you left the night Liam, Diane and Malcom were there and she seemed very confident. It was a good thing the others were gone," Sookie then says "Wouldn't you have protected her?" and he says "No, I don't think so," Sookie asks why. Bill says "Vampires don't automatically care about humans," So Bill is still Vampire, but, he isn't so Vampire that he can't invest himself in someone he likes or cares for.
Eric, would have done nothing to protect any human unless he was forced to, either by a higher up or to serve his own purposes.
So, all you ladies swooning over Eric, remember this, he is one Vampire who would not face the sun for you.......
Eric is a Viking, about a thousand years old and he is a real Vampire with a capital Vamp. He has no human emotions and is really more than a little disgusted with Bill, who wants to recapture his humanity in the form of a love relationship with Sookie.
Eric mainstreams only because it is lucrative. He can have sex and blood from willing Fangbangers (indiscriminate sex groupies) and charge them at the bar for their drinks. He sees humans as a source of wealth and Vampiric pleasure. This Southern Vampire is no gentleman.
But why are there some women who are interested in Eric? It is because some human women are little less than Vampires themselves, they have no human feelings and sex is extremely casual. While I have no illusions about Bill, I think he puts women in two categories as all men do: bad girls that you screw, and good girls that you date and fall in love with. The difference between him and Eric is that he would be a gentleman with either.
Though, allow me to say this: In the book Dead Until Dark, Sookie tells Bill that her co-worker, Dawn, has been murdered and he tries to place her "The red-head that has been married so many times?" and Sookie says "The brunette who kept bumping your chair with her hip." He says "Yes, she came to the house after you left the night Liam, Diane and Malcom were there and she seemed very confident. It was a good thing the others were gone," Sookie then says "Wouldn't you have protected her?" and he says "No, I don't think so," Sookie asks why. Bill says "Vampires don't automatically care about humans," So Bill is still Vampire, but, he isn't so Vampire that he can't invest himself in someone he likes or cares for.
Eric, would have done nothing to protect any human unless he was forced to, either by a higher up or to serve his own purposes.
So, all you ladies swooning over Eric, remember this, he is one Vampire who would not face the sun for you.......
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Finale
Well, the first season of True Blood is over and I already miss it and wonder what I will do now Sundays at 9:00.
If you missed it, I can tell you that whatever doubts Sookie had about Bill's feelings for her should now be vanquished. He has proved his love for her. But let me back up. I think I left off my commentary with Bill, being a dollar short and day late with Sookie.
Poor Bill is called in by Eric, the Sheriff of Area Five, to bring Sookie to help him find a thief at Fangtasia. Turns out Longshadow was the thief and he tried to kill Sookie but Bill stopped him (it was so cool too, he broke off a beer pull on a tap and staked him with it). Longshadow virtually melted. But for whatever the reason, Bill is now in trouble because he murdered another Vampire and worse, he murdered a Vampire to save a human. Eric offers to ignore the whole thing in exchange for Sookie, but Bill refused, and it appears that Eric is not above tormenting Bill for his peculiar attachments to humans, attachments that Eric doesn't have at all.
A few nights later, Eric, Pam and Chow (Longshadow's replacement) comes to call on Bill, interrupting a rousing game of wii golf. Bill has been summoned to face a Vampire Tribunal. Bill reminds Eric that Sookie was there to help him and this was how all this started. He also tells Eric that he has to see Sookie at Merlotte's so he can tell her that he will be away. He also wants to see Sam and ask him to watch over Sookie while he is gone.
They come to Merlotte's and Bill first goes to Sam's office (Chow in tow) and tells Sam that he must be away and that he wants Sam to watch over Sookie. Bill also tells him that he knows how Sam feels about Sookie and he doesn't like it but he also knows that Sam is the only one who can protect Sookie while he is gone. Sam agrees.
Bill then takes Sookie outside, Eric, Pam and Chow some distance away and tells her that he has been charged and that he has to go and stand trial in Vampire court. She offers to go and testify on his behalf but he tells her that she would not be welcome there. She tells him that he lied to her, making light of what his punishment would be and she begins to cry. Bill kisses her goodbye, with Eric ordering him to get a move on.
At the trial, the Magister, a very old Vampire, hears Bill's defense, that Longshadow was choking the girl, and she was his (Bill's) and that he would have killed her and fed from her. The magister is not impressed, in fact he says that Bill basically killed another Vampire for the sake of his pet. The usual punishment for such a crime is five years in a coffin chained with silver, where he would starve to skin and bones and go insane. But then he hears that Sookie was called by Eric and she helped Eric protect the Vampire's wealth by uncovering the thief. His punishment therefore is reduced. As Bill is a civilized Vampire, a more human Vampire, who does not live in a nest and longs to mainstream, the magister decides that Bill's punishment should be turning a human girl named Jessica into a Vampire. Of course this a repellent idea to Bill, who has never been a maker in the whole of his 170+ years of being Vampire. Bill does it reluctantly. When Jessica wakes as a new born Vampire, all I want Bill to do is stake her and get it over with.
Meanwhile, Sookie is about to find out who the Bon Temps Killer is. She and Sam investigate the murder of a waitress in a nearby town. She was involved with Vampires and was strangled like Maudette and Dawn were. On the way back, Sookie confesses that she does love Bill but she thinks he's too involved with Vampire politics (stoopid) to care what happens to her.
Back at Fangtasia, Bill brought Jessica to Eric because he is at a loss at what to do with her and Eric agrees to take her after extracting a deal with Bill. (Paybacks are a bitch Bill)
Sookie and Sam are back at her house and he leans in for a kiss with Sookie and Bill, just returned, comes in. They have a fight and Sookie recinds her invitation to Bill.
The next day, she finds out that her brother has been arrested for the murders because he woke up and found Amy dead in his bed. He thinks he did it but the Bon Temps killer actually came into his house while they were blissed out on V and killed her.
The day is terrible for Sookie because everyone thinks that Jason did it and of course Sookie can hear everything people think. She goes out to her car and finds it won't start and is offered a ride home by Rene, who is the Bon Temps killer. She hears his memories of his murdering Sookie's grandmother and she runs out of this house. This is where it gets hard for me, though I admired Bill's love for Sookie. He senses her fear and though it is in the middle of the day, he leaves his resting place under the floorboards of his house and faces the sun to try to help her.
Luckily, Sam, in the shape of the Merlotte mutt saves Sookie's life and they see Bill smoldering away and Sam even saves Bill's life by burying him in a fresh grave. Sookie holds out no hope for his survival as Sam covers him with dirt.
Later that evening, Lafayette is behind the bar, cleaning up some garbage and something fast attacks him. He had been involved with a V doing senator and he threatened him because in addition to being a Vampire hater, he is also a closet homosexual who touts anti-gay rhetoric. So I believe that the senator had Lafayette murdered, but by who or what is unknown.
Sookie is alone in her house when the doorbell rings. She opens the door and it is Bill, healed. She says: "You're alive!" and he says "Well, technically no, but I am healed....I fed," Now there is a lot of speculation about what this means. Did he kill Lafayette? No, I don't think so because when he is found, he is naked, Bill wouldn't undress Lafayette to feed from him, and I don't think Bill would feed from Lafayette anyway because he is Sookie's friend. And even if he did, no one would have ever found him. They never found Sookie's uncle after Bill killed him.
I think Bill's admission "I fed" is something confessional. He's trying to mainstream and aside from love bites from Sookie when they make love, Bill is subsisting on Tru:Blood (O negative please and microwave it to 98.6 degrees) But these were extraordinary circumstances and though the Vampire was not pleased to have to feed on a human, he did it to heal so he could be with her.
So grow up Sookie, Bill has proved his love to you.
And by the way, Bill's a daddy. Apparently, Eric couldn't stomach Jessica either.
Stake her Bill, stake her.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Sookie
As much as I love the love story between Bill and Sookie, I am getting a little tired of her childishness. I understand that she has never been in relationship before with a man, human or otherwise, but she has to brighten up that she and Bill are not a conventional couple.
She expects human things from Bill he can't possibly give her, and she takes it out on him when he can't. Bill's not blameless, but she never pays attention him and she doesn't have the insight to wait for just a moment to see what is going to happen next. She doesn't ask what is next. She doesn't talk to Bill about being Vampire and what the rules are for her in a relationship with him and how she fits or does not fit in his world.
Communication is the corner stone of any relationship
She expects human things from Bill he can't possibly give her, and she takes it out on him when he can't. Bill's not blameless, but she never pays attention him and she doesn't have the insight to wait for just a moment to see what is going to happen next. She doesn't ask what is next. She doesn't talk to Bill about being Vampire and what the rules are for her in a relationship with him and how she fits or does not fit in his world.
Communication is the corner stone of any relationship
Monday, October 27, 2008
The Cold Ground
Poor Bill and Sookie,
Sookie is discovering the hardest part of dating a Vampire. It's that whole night time, no sunlight, no curling up together on a cold night and being warm through the night and through a lazy morning with nothing better to do than to lie together, make love as if there was nothing better to do.
And Bill is trying to hard and often a day late and dollar short. He brought her flowers when he was taking her to forceably work for Eric, he is too honest when he doesn't have to be, and not honest enough when he should be.
And Bill is scared to death that Sookie will get killed because she doesn't know the Vampire rules and system and how she works or doesn't in his world.
I like to worry for all young lovers, even if one of them is 170 years old and Vampire
Sookie is discovering the hardest part of dating a Vampire. It's that whole night time, no sunlight, no curling up together on a cold night and being warm through the night and through a lazy morning with nothing better to do than to lie together, make love as if there was nothing better to do.
And Bill is trying to hard and often a day late and dollar short. He brought her flowers when he was taking her to forceably work for Eric, he is too honest when he doesn't have to be, and not honest enough when he should be.
And Bill is scared to death that Sookie will get killed because she doesn't know the Vampire rules and system and how she works or doesn't in his world.
I like to worry for all young lovers, even if one of them is 170 years old and Vampire
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Stolen words
X
I dreamt we slept in a moss in Donegal
On turf banks under blankets, with our faces
Exposed all night in a wetting drizzle,
Pallid as the dripping sapling birches.
Lorenzo and Jessica in a cold climate.
Diarmuid and Grainne waiting to be found.
Darkly asperged and censed, we were laid out
Like breathing effigies on a raised ground.
And in that dream I dreamt—how like you this?—
Our first night years ago in that hotel
When you came with your deliberate kiss
To raise us towards the lovely and painful
Covenants of flesh; our separateness;
The respite in our dewy dreaming faces.
Seamus Heaney
I used the phrase covenants of flesh in one of my essays and I couldn't remember where I had heard them, for I knew they were not mine. They come from this lovely poem by Seamus Heaney.
I sleep more now. My mom puts in my tape of True Blood when I settle in bed and I watch it from the beginning til I fall alseep. I sleep all day and most of the night, most of it. Then I wake and I admit, I pray sometimes for the profound peace of the grave (my words this time). Ten more pounds I have lost and the fevers and weakness are worse. How nice it would be to have some cool skinned thing, some dark angel to take me in his arms and gasp at my heat, but embrace me anyway and give me relief. My hair is thinning. I cried a little over that.
I dreamt we slept in a moss in Donegal
On turf banks under blankets, with our faces
Exposed all night in a wetting drizzle,
Pallid as the dripping sapling birches.
Lorenzo and Jessica in a cold climate.
Diarmuid and Grainne waiting to be found.
Darkly asperged and censed, we were laid out
Like breathing effigies on a raised ground.
And in that dream I dreamt—how like you this?—
Our first night years ago in that hotel
When you came with your deliberate kiss
To raise us towards the lovely and painful
Covenants of flesh; our separateness;
The respite in our dewy dreaming faces.
Seamus Heaney
I used the phrase covenants of flesh in one of my essays and I couldn't remember where I had heard them, for I knew they were not mine. They come from this lovely poem by Seamus Heaney.
I sleep more now. My mom puts in my tape of True Blood when I settle in bed and I watch it from the beginning til I fall alseep. I sleep all day and most of the night, most of it. Then I wake and I admit, I pray sometimes for the profound peace of the grave (my words this time). Ten more pounds I have lost and the fevers and weakness are worse. How nice it would be to have some cool skinned thing, some dark angel to take me in his arms and gasp at my heat, but embrace me anyway and give me relief. My hair is thinning. I cried a little over that.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Pot and Kettle
Okay, let's get down to it. I really liked the character of Lafayette until last night. I sat in the chemo room and thought about it for a long while. This is what I came up with.
Sookie made love to Bill and he bit her. Fine, sounds like tit for tat, fair exchange. Sex is always better for Vampires when they have a bit of blood. And if you are falling for a Vampire, it sounds reasonable that you want them to have as much fun as you are.
Now Lafayette is a slut, with a capital SLUT, and he uses V, which is Vampire Blood. But he had the gall to call Sookie a skank when she told him about Bill. How does that sort of prejudice work? You'll have sex with a Vampire, you'll drink their blood, but you won't let them drink from you? And Jason Stackhouse is just as bad, he hates and despises Sookie for having sex with Bill but he uses V so much he's strung out on it. It's a case of the pot calling the kettle black.
Sookie made love to Bill and he bit her. Fine, sounds like tit for tat, fair exchange. Sex is always better for Vampires when they have a bit of blood. And if you are falling for a Vampire, it sounds reasonable that you want them to have as much fun as you are.
Now Lafayette is a slut, with a capital SLUT, and he uses V, which is Vampire Blood. But he had the gall to call Sookie a skank when she told him about Bill. How does that sort of prejudice work? You'll have sex with a Vampire, you'll drink their blood, but you won't let them drink from you? And Jason Stackhouse is just as bad, he hates and despises Sookie for having sex with Bill but he uses V so much he's strung out on it. It's a case of the pot calling the kettle black.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Don't Believe what You See
Oh man, I'm telling you, I am determined to live long enough to see what is next for old Bill and his woman Sookie. I loved the extended love scene, where Bill deflowers her. I remember my first time, and it was no where near as erotic as the scene I just saw. I wished my husband had been as aware and awake to my virginity as Bill was to Sookie.
And I loved the revenge scene with Bill feeding on Uncle Bartlett, at first I thought it was disgusting, but then I remembered what Bill said, that he had been a good man in his human life and he fed primarily on evil people. I would be eternally indebted to a man who revenged me. Especially for a crime against my innocence. Too bad about Malcom and Diane and Liam (not) they got what they deserved. But fear not for our Bill, he is safe and sound.
Chemo session number five tomorrow, at least I have something to think about.
And I loved the revenge scene with Bill feeding on Uncle Bartlett, at first I thought it was disgusting, but then I remembered what Bill said, that he had been a good man in his human life and he fed primarily on evil people. I would be eternally indebted to a man who revenged me. Especially for a crime against my innocence. Too bad about Malcom and Diane and Liam (not) they got what they deserved. But fear not for our Bill, he is safe and sound.
Chemo session number five tomorrow, at least I have something to think about.
Saturday, October 18, 2008
The Little Death
I read in a psychology book that spoke of the petite mort the little death of orgasm. I never knew what that was until I was with a man the first time. I was in the arms of the man who would be my husband and I could feel him inside me and I had an orgasm, so clear and strong that I lost my breath and felt faint beneath him. If I could have died at that moment, I surely would have, because that first time, there is just nothing like it.
Some of you may think this topic is inappropriate to speak of, but I can tell you that the sick have blushingly real dreams of fevered sex and long for that moment when you hover between the worlds of concious and unconcious when you have a climax. Afterwards there is an emptiness that only women can feel, male orgasm being so much more a physical release. I sit in a reclining chair covered with a hospital issue sheet under me and I watch that damned drip doing its alchemy and I dream such dreams from my fevered brain that would make even a seasoned pro blush. I go into the treatment room pale as any Vamp and I come out indecently rosy. And at night I dream of my lovers, relentless, passionate, cruelly so and I awake in the fevered sweat of chemotheraphy and pure desire.
In the 1800's TB was considered the wasting disease and even thought of the Vampire's disease, when the dying were rose pink and full of the lust of nature, the animal drive to reproduce before you disappear all together. But not long after my treatment, I am sick and I vomit and gag and the last thing I want to do is have sex. But in those moments, I hunger, I desire and I burn with more than chemically induced fever.
I have lost twenty pounds already. My doctor wants to put in a NG tube to feed me, but I refuse. Everything on my stomach comes up anyway and it interfers with the speed of the central line delivery of my pain drugs. I will take the sleeping cure and sleep in the day and rise and walk, or at least sit with my lap top on my lap, at night.
Come to me lover, I am hungry
Some of you may think this topic is inappropriate to speak of, but I can tell you that the sick have blushingly real dreams of fevered sex and long for that moment when you hover between the worlds of concious and unconcious when you have a climax. Afterwards there is an emptiness that only women can feel, male orgasm being so much more a physical release. I sit in a reclining chair covered with a hospital issue sheet under me and I watch that damned drip doing its alchemy and I dream such dreams from my fevered brain that would make even a seasoned pro blush. I go into the treatment room pale as any Vamp and I come out indecently rosy. And at night I dream of my lovers, relentless, passionate, cruelly so and I awake in the fevered sweat of chemotheraphy and pure desire.
In the 1800's TB was considered the wasting disease and even thought of the Vampire's disease, when the dying were rose pink and full of the lust of nature, the animal drive to reproduce before you disappear all together. But not long after my treatment, I am sick and I vomit and gag and the last thing I want to do is have sex. But in those moments, I hunger, I desire and I burn with more than chemically induced fever.
I have lost twenty pounds already. My doctor wants to put in a NG tube to feed me, but I refuse. Everything on my stomach comes up anyway and it interfers with the speed of the central line delivery of my pain drugs. I will take the sleeping cure and sleep in the day and rise and walk, or at least sit with my lap top on my lap, at night.
Come to me lover, I am hungry
Friday, October 17, 2008
Sacraments of Flesh and Blood
Sacraments...when you are a Roman Catholic you hear a lot about those. Baptism, Extreme Unction, Holy Communion. I think the notion of sacraments were the things that attracted me the most about the Church. Prods make such a big deal about Communion being a symbol, but it isn't just a symbol. It's real.
I became more intimate with the notion of communion when I read Memnoch the Devil, by Anne Rice. Now, I only liked two of her books, this one and Interview. In Memnoch, Vampire Lestat is taken on a sort of Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost sort of voyage where he sees heaven and hell and the death of Christ. Lestat, being Vampire, is transfixed by the divine sacrifice of Christ's crucifixion very much for the same reason that we should be. It's the blood. The promise of everlasting life and salvation from death. The juxtaposition of life in the midst of death and for Lestat, death before the Ultimate Life is fascinating. The Vampire's promise, if there is such a thing, is everlasting life, as a walking undead. Christ's promise is the everlasting salvation of the soul though the body dies and fades away. It will be resurrected, of course, but til the judgement trump our human presence is erased.
In Dracula, the Vampire promises eternal life and everlasting love, to walk in the shadows and to control the beasts and the winds. Mina joins in this other communion with the Count, as Sookie did with Bill, as all female Victims do in the arms of their Vampire. Love and sex and religion and sacrament become entangled as their bed sheets as they embrace the ultimate "human" love. Are the Vampires, when they share their own sweet stuff, imitating the (not blaspheming) the act of Christ on his Cross? To have a love who will not die, immune to all disease except those particular to the Vampire? To embrace the sacred love of believer and God, the ecstacy that St. Therese felt in the presence of the angel.
So, is this the root of the tale of Vampire, denied the sacraments of Church, so they go to those who can fulfill the promise in covenants of flesh and blood? And is not their dark kiss the gift of salvation from earthly death. I don't know, perhaps I seek a cure from all my pain, a body that will never sicken, never die and a lover who will always walk with me through the centuries. But what of the soul?
Indeed
I became more intimate with the notion of communion when I read Memnoch the Devil, by Anne Rice. Now, I only liked two of her books, this one and Interview. In Memnoch, Vampire Lestat is taken on a sort of Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost sort of voyage where he sees heaven and hell and the death of Christ. Lestat, being Vampire, is transfixed by the divine sacrifice of Christ's crucifixion very much for the same reason that we should be. It's the blood. The promise of everlasting life and salvation from death. The juxtaposition of life in the midst of death and for Lestat, death before the Ultimate Life is fascinating. The Vampire's promise, if there is such a thing, is everlasting life, as a walking undead. Christ's promise is the everlasting salvation of the soul though the body dies and fades away. It will be resurrected, of course, but til the judgement trump our human presence is erased.
In Dracula, the Vampire promises eternal life and everlasting love, to walk in the shadows and to control the beasts and the winds. Mina joins in this other communion with the Count, as Sookie did with Bill, as all female Victims do in the arms of their Vampire. Love and sex and religion and sacrament become entangled as their bed sheets as they embrace the ultimate "human" love. Are the Vampires, when they share their own sweet stuff, imitating the (not blaspheming) the act of Christ on his Cross? To have a love who will not die, immune to all disease except those particular to the Vampire? To embrace the sacred love of believer and God, the ecstacy that St. Therese felt in the presence of the angel.
So, is this the root of the tale of Vampire, denied the sacraments of Church, so they go to those who can fulfill the promise in covenants of flesh and blood? And is not their dark kiss the gift of salvation from earthly death. I don't know, perhaps I seek a cure from all my pain, a body that will never sicken, never die and a lover who will always walk with me through the centuries. But what of the soul?
Indeed
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
The White Chalice Dress
All the folks at trueblood.net were snarking on Sookie's beautiful white chalice dress. Well, here is my observation.
See I read the book, and the love scene and what she wore to bed briefly that night are completely different from the show, and to be honest, the book version of the love scene is far more complete. In the book, Bill doesn't really understand the extent of Sookie's experience or lack there of with men. When he begins to make love to her, in her grandmother's bedroom, he discovers her virginity and he is very considerate (compaired to the raw, rough sex of Liam, on of the evil Vampires) of the fact that she will feel discomfort when he finally has her. He listens to her and gages his own reactions based on her pleasure or pain. I wished there had been more to it on the show, not neccessarily more explicit, just more interaction.
Now, the show was very good. It begins with the white chalice dress, and there is a reason that she wears this dress. In the book, during the moonlight walk, he comments on her dress, that it matches the color of her eyes (in the book, Sookie's eyes are blue, Bill's are black) and that there isn't a lot of it. He continues to tell her that he finds her pretty but he still liked the long skirts that women wore in his early life, especially, the petticoats and lacy underthings. I think the show was trying to pay tribute to Bill's old fashioned taste for long dresses and skirts and what may be under them. So take that all you snarkers.
See I read the book, and the love scene and what she wore to bed briefly that night are completely different from the show, and to be honest, the book version of the love scene is far more complete. In the book, Bill doesn't really understand the extent of Sookie's experience or lack there of with men. When he begins to make love to her, in her grandmother's bedroom, he discovers her virginity and he is very considerate (compaired to the raw, rough sex of Liam, on of the evil Vampires) of the fact that she will feel discomfort when he finally has her. He listens to her and gages his own reactions based on her pleasure or pain. I wished there had been more to it on the show, not neccessarily more explicit, just more interaction.
Now, the show was very good. It begins with the white chalice dress, and there is a reason that she wears this dress. In the book, during the moonlight walk, he comments on her dress, that it matches the color of her eyes (in the book, Sookie's eyes are blue, Bill's are black) and that there isn't a lot of it. He continues to tell her that he finds her pretty but he still liked the long skirts that women wore in his early life, especially, the petticoats and lacy underthings. I think the show was trying to pay tribute to Bill's old fashioned taste for long dresses and skirts and what may be under them. So take that all you snarkers.
Suicide Solution
Don't get excited constant reader, I am not contemplating a final solution for my situation. I feel terrible, my throat hurts and I have blisters on the inside of my mouth. Yeah, I feel real attractive.....
No, I wanted to write something about someone I met a long time ago. This was before the time of my using a computer, and I met this person through U2's Propaganda magazine. I was just wanting to meet someone else out there wh liked the band as much as I did and it turned into a fairly intense letter writing compaign between us. His name I will not disclose for obvious reasons. It was short lived. A few months, but suddenly he stopped writing. I never really knew why. He was a writer and he'd self published, but what I didn't have an inkling of until the very end was that he was a troubled soul.
Years later, I googled him and discovered he'd committed suicide. He jumped out of a window in front of his friends. And I still don't know how to feel about that, you know? He did it a couple of years after we stopped writing, so I don't really feel like it was anything I was responsible for. It just gives me an oogie sort of feeling, you know?
No, I wanted to write something about someone I met a long time ago. This was before the time of my using a computer, and I met this person through U2's Propaganda magazine. I was just wanting to meet someone else out there wh liked the band as much as I did and it turned into a fairly intense letter writing compaign between us. His name I will not disclose for obvious reasons. It was short lived. A few months, but suddenly he stopped writing. I never really knew why. He was a writer and he'd self published, but what I didn't have an inkling of until the very end was that he was a troubled soul.
Years later, I googled him and discovered he'd committed suicide. He jumped out of a window in front of his friends. And I still don't know how to feel about that, you know? He did it a couple of years after we stopped writing, so I don't really feel like it was anything I was responsible for. It just gives me an oogie sort of feeling, you know?
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